A Moment on the Lips, Forever on the Hips….

Here’s the list:

2 slices toast, 1 peach low fat yogurt, one smoked turkey and ham sandwich, 1 cup of goldfish crackers, 1 strawberry low fat yogurt, chicken BLT burrito, tarter tots w/cheese, Diet Coke.

I am feeling the need to get moving.  For three weeks now, I’ve been listing my foods, being very honest about what I eat, and not sugar-coating anything.  But I feel the need to start putting something into action.  I am looking at Weight Watchers, either online or attending meetings.  I lean toward online, but I’m not sure.  The meetings might make a bit more of an impact with the whole social pressure thing, but at the same time, my schedule is busy enough already.  Do I really need to add another thing into the mix, even if it is only once a week?  This is the same basic “excuse” I use for not going to the gym.  That and I would be wearing my levis to work out in.

It’s hard to make these changes.  I look at the things that I need to get this all started, and although we are not in dire straights with our money, we don’t have a lot of disposable income.  Budgeting for these things can be hard.  The only real shoes I have right now are my work shoes, which really aren’t all that conducive to long walks or working out.  I don’t exactly have a lot of shorts or workout clothing, either.  And I can’t exactly run down to Wal-mart for a cheap pair of sweats.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not complaining, it’s just not as easy as it may appear.  I know a lot of you may be thinking, “What’s your problem?  Get off your big ol’ butt and get busy!”  And to some extent you are right.  But things aren’t always as easy and clear-cut as you may think.

Today’s quote:

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.  ~Doug Larson”

A Glass of Coke, a Cruller and Thee…

Here is yesterday’s list:

1 everything bagel w/cream cheese, 5 flour chicken and cheese taquitos with cheese and sour cream, 1 onion bagel w/cream cheese, 1 lrg. Fuji apple, cream wafers, 1/2 mexican pizza, steak taquito, nachos and 1/2 chalupa, diet coke and baja blast.

I’m entering the middle of the third week, and I have had a few comments about the fast food that I eat.  I know that fast food is almost nothing but bad calories, sodium and fat.  I also know that when I am gone from home most of the day at work , rehearsals, performances, etc., I have few options on how and when I eat.  A lot of those choices have contributed to what I am today: a fat man.  I also know that these things need to change.  I need to get more choosy about what I eat and when I eat it. 

Having said that, I also realize that it will take great will power and restraint to change those habits.  It’s far easier to run through the drive-thru to get a meal than to have to fix it at home with the sometimes 30-45 minutes I have before I’m running off to something else.  Busy lives have made fast food much more appealing than it ever would be under normal circumstances.  Time becomes a real issue, and having those minutes to spend with my wife or my kids instead of fixing dinner is hard.  I know the real answer is to get everybody into the kitchen and be together while we fix dinner.  And that is a change I need to make.  I do a lot of the cooking in the family, because my sweet wife works so very hard at her job.  And since she is working mostly from home, she doesn’t have the drive home to decompress.  She gets up from her chair and she’s home.  No alone time to sort out her day.  It is difficult for her to jump right into being a wife and mom after dealing all day with the stresses she has to deal with.

And I want to state right here and now, that my wife is the most incredible person I know.  I can’t think of anyone who does what she does and keeps their sanity.  She works at a stressful job (that luckily she loves), has constant responsibility to make sure that standards and safety is being met, deals with a lot of egos from many different sides (mostly doctors) and has five kids (me being the biggest and hardest to handle) that she has to keep going.  It’s a real testament to her that this family hasn’t imploded and she is still on the outside of a rubber room.  She is, quite literally, what keeps me going.

So, the goals now are to get myself ( and my wife) some decent walking shoes, some workout apparel and start walking.  Once I can do that, I can even start going back to the gym.

Today’s quote:

“Oil and potatoes both grow underground so french fries may have eventually produced themselves, had they not been invented.  ~A.J. Esther”

You’re eating to be a habit with me…

A New day, a new list:

1 6 oz. lowfat yoplait peach yogurt, 1 light fat-free vanilla yogurt, one large baked potato with cheese sour cream and bacos, 3 oz, tootsie roll, 1 blueberry lowfat yogurt, 3 chicken and cheese taquitos with cheese and sour cream, jr. bacon cheeseburger, crispy chicken sandwich, fries, 1/2 sm. chocolate frosty, Diet Coke.

I’ve been very pleased with some of the nice comments I’ve received about my blog.  This is only the third week and I’ve had many wonderful notes from friends all over.  I really appreciate it.  I will probably need more of this as I start to get down to the really hard part of this whole goal: cutting back and exercising. I’m surprised and then again I’m not at the amount of food I eat.  I mean, I am maintaining a fat body, not gaining or losing at the moment.  Keeping this big a body going takes a lot of food.  I know that if I cut back I would lose.  I know that if I exercised, I would lose.  I know that if I do both I will lose a whole lot faster.  As you can guess from reading my previous posts, knowing is not the problem. 

Doing is the part that we all fail at when we fail to lose weight.  Knowing is actually the easiest part.  I know that I have a problem when I look in the mirror each morning and evening.  I know that what I am eating is slowly killing me.  But habit is a hard thing to break.  I’m worked for 20+ long years on this habit of eating anything and everything in sight.  I worked very hard to build up this habit to the point that I don’t have to think about it at all.  I just do it.  As fat people we often wonder how the skinny people do it.  They do it the same way we do, they just do it through different habits.  Their habits involve daily exercise and portion control.  They include better foods and more variety.  My diet is surprisingly bland and devoid of variety.  My habits are set in fairly restricting ways.

So how do you change habits?  They say that if you can do something consistently for two weeks, it becomes a habit.  I’m not sure I believe that completely.  There are a lot of things I have tried consistently for two or more weeks that never became habits for me.  But the idea is sound.  It is something that you have enough conviction to keep doing.  And if you fail once or twice, you don’t give up on.  I switched from regular soda to diet about two years ago.  I think, in that time, I have had perhaps 10 regular sodas.  Now, I drink waaaaay to much soda as it is, but the one small consolation (justification) that I have is that it is diet.

Yoda said, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Well, frankly Yoda wasn’t twice his size with a BMI of 40+.  I don’t think those Jedi skills of his would have been all that keen if he was hauling around a 400+ lbs carcass.  Let’s see little Luke hoist that on his shoulders!  One trip and goodbye Dagobah!  He would have thrown the whole planet out of orbit.  I feel that way sometimes.  I feel that way when I am in an opera rehearsal, surrounded by thin, active people.  I feel like the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.  I am very appreciative of directors who are not afraid of my size.  That’s the only way I get out of the back of the whole stage to do anything.

Today’s quote:

“Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers."  ~Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50”

I Don’t Care How High is an Elephant’s Eye, But an Elephant’s Rear I Don't Need!

Okay, so my last post was Thursday of last week.  Friday I was at an all day workshop, and I don’t post on the weekends.  So, this is going to be painful!  Here are the lists:

Thursday: 1 pkg. brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts, 1 pkg. strawberry pop tarts, 2 string cheese, 3 whole wheat cinnamon rolls, 4 chicken and cheese flour taquitos, 3 oz. tootsie roll, 1/2 Beto’s chicken chimichanga, 1/2 Beto’s super nachos, Diet Coke.

Friday: Sesame seed bagel w/ cream cheese, Chocolate chocolate chip muffin, fruit, Italian chicken breast, fried potatoes, veggies, salad w/ranch dressing, two lrg. cookies, 1/2 Apollo mushroom burger, 1/2 Apollo gyro, fries, lrg. diet coke.

Saturday: Egg McMuffin, hash browns, orange juice, 1/2 Rumbi’s honey orange chicken rice bowl, salad w/blue cheese dressing, veggies, mashed potatoes, strip steak, 1/2 McCool’s Finn’s skins, 1/2 4-layer chocolate fudge cake w/1 scoop bailey’s chip ice cream.

Sunday: 1 pkg chocolate fudge pop tarts, 2 1/2 no-bake peanut butter chocolate cookies, 6 fish sticks, potatoes wedges, green beans, diet coke, peanut butter cookie dough.

YIKES! YIKES!! YIKES!!!  So, it’s pretty clear that this is why I am the size I am.  I had an interesting questions asked of me over the weekend.  As I stated in my very first post, I am a heavy sweater, meaning I perspire excessively, not that I am a thick cardigan.  This was part of the whole “I coach people to lose weight” discussion.  I was asked if I was always this way, and yes, I always was.  However, not a heavily as I do now.  Plus it looks a lot worse when you’re fat!  We had another corporate show with Hunt’s, and I noticed something new this time.  I’ll call it the “phantom sweat” phenomenon.  You know when you’re driving along with your mom or dad in the car, and they apply the brakes for you on the passenger side of the car?  I saw this happening with people wiping their foreheads for me while I was talking to them.  It’s the first time I’ve ever noticed it.  It’s probably happened before, but I really noticed it this time.  Of course, I find it very embarrassing, to say the least, that I perspire as much as I do.  And it really is annoying, I’m sure, for the poor people who have to deal with me talking to them while I’m “misting.”

This, of course, is not the first time I have had to deal with this.  I had one experience in an opera.  We were doing “The Pirates of Penzance” and I was a pirate fighting with a policeman.  At the end of the fight, I was staged to be standing over the other actor who was lying on the ground.  Apparently I dripped on him a one point, and he asked me if we could stage it differently so I didn’t sweat on him.  Now, while I completely sympathize with him, and would not have wanted that to happen to me, either, I was horrendously embarrassed that it had happened.  I had to go up to the choreographer and explain what had happened.  And while I have no bad feelings toward that actor, I have always been overly cautious when being staged near him since that incident.  And it affects the way I carry out staging that I am given.  I’m always worrying that I might be disgusting to the people I’m working with.  We started rehearsing the Hunt show with some new actors, and I have to dance with someone new.  I am constantly worrying that when we dance she is getting the willies from having to be so close to a damp person.

I have to give a shout out to my fellow actors in the Hunt shows.  They are some of the most genuine kind people a person could ever hope to know.  And it is so great to work with them.  I have never had a more welcoming friendly environment to act in.  New comers are welcomed with open arms, and everyone is actively working to make sure everyone shines.  We have a first-timer on Saturday, and we all had so much fun.  She was very nervous but had a fabulous first show.  They are all so wonderful and it’s great to have that much fun with people you like.  It’s like getting paid to party!  And now my wife gets to party with us, because she will be show managing some of the Hunt’s shows!  It just gets better all the time!!

I am feeling the urgent need to start some sort of exercise regimen.  This will likely consist of walking around the neighborhood to begin with.  My wife and I tried walking before, but I had too hard a time making it very far.  She tends to drag me along whenever we go shopping, and that is a little painful because I used to leave her in the dust when we were first married.  She would get mad at me for walking too fast.  Now it’s reversed.  It’s a terrible thing to be this out of shape. (I’m in shape!  Round is a shape!) I can’t ride bikes with my kids. I can’t play basketball with them.  They really don’t have a very great dad right now.  It’s coming on summer again, and I have another season of not being able to do those things unless I start working on it now.  That is the reason for the blog, and it is the reason I want this change.  I don’t want my kids to remember the fat me.  I want them to have memories of the fun, thin, active me.

Today’s quote:

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.  ~Calvin Trillin”

Weight, weight, don’t tell me…

Here’s the new list:

2 slices buttered toast, SOS, 9 Hershey’s kisses, Snickers Dark, 2 slices Papa John’s Chicken Barbeque Bacon pizza, one slice Papa John’s Sausage Black Olive pizza, lots of Diet Coke.

I caught a rerun of The Biggest Loser on Bravo this morning.  Just the first minute or two, but I saw the credit sequence where they introduce all the contestants and show their weight.  I realized that I am heavier than everyone on that show (this was from at least last season).  As I have stated before, I don’t watch weight loss shows.  I think the Biggest Loser is a wonderful thing for the people who are on the show.  I personally wouldn’t want to have my life broadcast to the world.  And even though I have been more open about myself on this blog than I ever thought I would be, I still have some anonymity and you don’t see my highs and lows.  I still put on a (somewhat)transparent mask when I post.  I could never do what those people do.  First, I couldn’t give up that much of my life and keep my job or anything else that I hold so important to me.  Second, and probably more importantly, I can’t understand why someone volunteers to have their private lives displayed so publicly and without any control over how is it displayed.

Don’t get me wrong: I love reality TV.  Some reality TV.  The Real Housewives of New York City is a guilty pleasure of mine, along with Top Chef, Make Me a Supermodel, Sober House/Celebrity Rehab.  And while I enjoy those shows, I can’t imagine ever opening myself up to that kind of scrutiny.  Frankly, those who know me well will tell you that I am not that open in my daily life.  You have to be part of the Inner Circle to really know me that well. I don’t let a lot of people in there.  The fact that I am doing this blog at all is monumental.  I have had this blog space since 2005 and done nothing with it.  My main reason was, “Who would be interested in my life or what I may decide to say?”  I don’t think I’m all that interesting.  I’m glad a few of you think otherwise. 

I am naturally a very odd person.  My wife and kids will tell you that I am one of the most extraverted performers around, but at the same time very reserved and shy.  I know that doesn’t make sense unless you really know me.  I can get up on stage and perform in front of hundreds of people without batting an eye.  I know I have talent and that I go a great job, but I will come down off that stage and disappear in the crowd (as much as a 6’3” fat man can!).  I don’t make small talk at parties, and yet each night that I perform with Hunt Mysteries I do just that for most of the evening.  The big difference there being that I am in character and not myself.  I can say things as Big Louie that I never would as Tony Porter.  I have a very sarcastic streak, and this really comes out when I am performing.  My cast mates have learned when I am thinking something that I can’t even say in character, and they then revel in getting me to spill.  It’s a fun game, but at the same time, it is almost a curse.  I have seen people come to my shows that know me only from work or church, and I see the change in their expressions as they see this whole new side to me.  It really is fun to watch.  Sometimes, they can resolve the difference between the performer and the choir director.

And that is unfortunate.  We all have sides to ourselves that we don’t show to everyone.  I don’t let my sarcasm and wit out at church very often.  It’s not appropriate.  I don’t preach sermons to the opera chorus.  It’s not appropriate.  I try to be as genuine and honest as I can, as much as I can, and hope that people can understand the differences they see.  It’s not being dishonest to act one way in church and another on stage.  That is life.  And those that can’t see that are not being honest with themselves.

Today’s quote:

“When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad.  ~Janette Barber”

The Unbearable Fatness of Being

A new day, a new list:

Bacon, egg & cheese biscuit, hash browns, lg. Diet Coke, 1 slice chocolate cake, 5oz. Fritos Honey Barbeque Twists, chicken bake, single cheeseburger, lg. fries and lg. Dr. Pepper

Yesterday was a bad day for the most part.  We had trouble getting kids off to school, us off to work, etc.  Just a bad day.  And part of what made it worse was the fact that I had no chocolate.  Actually, I take that back.  I now realize that I had a candy bar in my desk and somewhere in the office there are still Hershey’s kisses floating around.  I forgot about this yesterday, and so did not have that to fall back on.

The weather is turning nicer by the day, and I am feeling the need to get out and do something.  Our roses are starting to sprout.  The lilacs are coming in in force this year after last year’s dismal performance.  I have yet to mow the lawn for the first time, and the leaves are still piled from last year.  We had a tremendous amount that hung onto the trees until the snow started to knock them down.  The point being that I have lots of yard work to do.

Now I don’t know how many of you like to do yard work.  When I was little we didn’t have yard work to do.  We lived in an apartment and it was done for us.  I have never been a good practitioner of lawn care.  I cut the lawn when I know the mower won’t be able to handle it if it gets any longer.  And now I have kids who can do it for me.

I decided last year, though, that we would get a push or reel mower this year.  I can remember these from my childhood.  In the intervening years we have had one off and on (mostly off) that never quite worked right.  We now have a yard that is a nice size but not large by any definition.  One that is perfect for a reel mower.  It earth-conscious (though I am not, usually), and it will save on maintenance costs, gas, oil, etc., and has the added benefit of being a lot more exercise than standing behind a belt driven mower.  My kids do not think this is a good idea. I should say, my 16 year-old son does not think this is a good idea.  The 11 and 8 year-old think it’s way cool!  My son suffers from a condition which I call (as of this moment) Why-can’t-my-dad-get-off-his-fat-butt-itis.  This condition usually involves doing unwanted tasks, at the most inconvenient time and for the stupidest reasons. For example, mowing the lawn on a Saturday morning when the game system is all prepped for a session of gaming because my dad doesn’t want to do it.  He is less than enthusiastic about the whole thing.

Today’s quote:

“I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I've lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.  ~Erma Bombeck”

Pity party, table for one….

Day Seven, here’s the list:

2 slices toast, 2 cinnamon sugar Pop-tarts, 2 mozzarella sticks, 1/2 quesadilla, 3 boneless honey barbeque wings, 1/3 c artichoke dip w/ chips, SOS w/ toast, Diet Coke.

Friday and Monday I was off from work.  I don’t take a lot of time off.  Of course, then there’s my wife who has over 500 hours of vacation time built up,  She took the days off, too.  We just took life easy this weekend, and apparently so did my diet.  I really hate calling this a diet.  So far I haven’t made any other changes in my lifestyle aside from being a little more conscious of what I’m not eating because I don’t want to have to put in on here.  I’ve put on some fairly embarrassing stuff already, but it’s not half of what I would eat without a second thought if not for this blog.  As I write this, I am eating a piece of chocolate cake we had in the office for someone’s birthday. So go figure…

It make me think about back to a time several years ago when I was singing in the chorus of the opera Madama Butterfly.  There was a scene where I was staged by a sweet older Russian immigrant.  She was nice, but a little clueless sometimes.  During the staging she inquired about my health and my weight.  I could tell she was well-meaning and I discussed it with her.  She was convinced that I needed to meet with a Russian doctor that was going to be in Salt Lake.  She said he was an expert in weight loss.  I thanked her, but said I really wasn’t interested.  Later that week, we had a birthday celebration after one show for the company director.  They had the whole cast, crew and orchestra in the green room for cake.  And, bless her pointed little head, when I stepped up to get a piece of that cake, this dear little woman said, in front of the whole crowd, “Oh, Tony, no!  No!” I shot her a dirty look and took it anyway, and never spoke to her again about weight loss.

I was listening to an ad last night about hair replacement surgery.  One man was talking about his actual appearance didn’t match the picture he had of himself in his head.  Being overweight is a lot the same thing.  I know I’m fat, but I’m not as fat in my mind as I am in real life.  And you see a lot of activists now pleading for more understanding and “equality” for overweight people.  I think that is a total head-in-the-sand attitude.  I don’t need equality for my size.  I need a little understanding, but that’s about as far as it goes.  Should the airlines charge extra for large people?  Probably.  If I can’t fit into one seat, why shouldn’t I have to pay for an extra seat?  I guarantee to you that every fat person walking (or in wheel chairs or whatever) down the street looks at another fat person and thinks, “Wow, I hope I don’t look that fat.”  I know I’ve done it.  It’s extremely hypocritical, but it’s also a fact of life.  I know that when I lose this weight, I will be more understanding to others who battle this problem, but I will not fight for legal protection for obesity.  I hate the looks I get.  I know that people are surprised by my size.  I know that people who haven’t seen me in years get a real shock when they first see me.  I see the look in people’s eyes when I am performing.  It’s something that I hate, and that has probably fed into my problems.  I want this behind me.  I wish there was a magic reset button that I could push to get myself out of this, but there isn’t.  It will be a long hard road to a thinner me.  Thankfully, I at a point where I’m ready to take that journey.

Today’s quote:

“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there are three other people.  ~Orson Welles”

I’m called little Butterball…

A brand new week!  Here’s the list from the weekend:

Friday: Carl’s Jr. Steak and egg burrito, hash browns, med. diet coke, Barbacoa Chicken burrito bowl w/tortilla, diet coke, 1/2 Twix PB, Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, small fries, small frosty, lg. diet coke, 2 tortillas with peanut butter and chocolate chips.

Saturday: Subway 6” Sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub, Pringles, diet coke, 1/2 Snickers Dark, Keebler E.L. Fudge cookies, 1/2 Bajio Quesadilla Especial, 1/2 Bajio Chicken Chimichanga w/rice and black beans, chocolate ice cream, Diet coke.

Sunday: bowl of frosted flakes, poppy seed chicken, salad, California veggies, rolls, popcorn, cookie dough and diet coke.

Monday’s are going to be rough!  I keep telling myself that this is a process and that I am just starting out.  This past week has been one of discovery: discovering how much I really eat.  It’s kinda scary, but not too surprising when you consider my girth.  It takes a lot of food to maintain this girlish figure.  It seems that my mind is preoccupied of late with all things weight loss.  I seem to see a lot more ads for diet programs, books, and for some unholy reason, the ads for Biggest Loser are EVERYWHERE!!  I have to say, I have never actually seen an episode of that program, and I’m probably not going to start.  Some might think that would be good motivation.  I think have not exactly felt motivated by scenes of fat people being poked, prodded, cajoled, pushed, or generally yelled at for not pushing themselves hard enough.  Also, I know this kind of motivation would not work for me.

You see, I have a secret.  A deep, dark disturbing secret. I know that some of you who know me will find this very hard to believe, but I am a dyed in the wool passive/aggressive personality.  Oh, I have my fun-loving, jovial (a de rigueur term for the portly) side.  But behind that lies a dark core of passive/aggressive behavior that will guarantee that if you push, I will push back.  (And behind that is public parking, but that’s another story.)  I do not take kindly to people telling me, especially in condescending tones, what I should be doing.  Guarantee that will keep me from doing it every time!  Condescension in any way, shape or form is a sure way to turn to to the opposing camp.  I will not take it from a fox, I will not take it in a box. 

But having said that, I know that to make this a success, I need help.  Standing by myself for lo these many years has certainly done me no good.  The reason for this blog to to secretly enlist you all in the Tony Weight Loss Army.  By reading this blog you are a card-carrying member of that group.  A league of weight loss compatriots.  And I have to say that I have been amazed and humbled by the kind words that you all have given me.  I had a wonderful chat this weekend with my niece who can’t wait to meet with me and start discussing ways to get rid of me.  Or at least half of me!

Now today’s quote:

“If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model.  Kate Moss?  Well, she would have been the paintbrush.  ~Dawn French”

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.  Old grade school joke.  Why was everyone afraid of the fat guy?  Because he ate everything in sight.  Today’s list:

Four chicken and cheese taquitos, Kirkland Chicken bake, 24 oz. Diet Coke, Twix PB, Double scoop Baskin Robbins Ice Cream cone, 2 chili dogs and potato chips.

All in all, a pretty light day.  My life is made up of these sorts of days.  I do well for a while, then I go hog wild and eat, well, like a hog!  Food is something that just comes to mind unbidden.  I eat therefore I am fat.  More like, I eat and eat and eat therefore I am fat.  You know, there are all sorts of diet books, weight loss, books, seminars, websites, retreats, spas, etc.  Some estimates say that between 35 and 55 billion dollars is spent annually on weight loss products and services.  And yet we are one of the most overweight and obese societies in the world.  Every fat person knows that eating is their main downfall: eating too much, eating the wrong foods, too much fat, sugar, calories, etc.  We all know that cutting back on portions and exercising is the only way to combat the battle of the bulge.  But we are also so set in our ways, so determined that we live in the way we have become accustomed that we refuse to accept the facts that are staring us in the face.  No diet will ever compensate for good eating habits.  No miracle drug is going to come along that will cure obesity.  No amount of wishing that weight loss was easy will ever make it so.

For years, I have known that simply exercising would make a dramatic effect on my weight.  And what have I done about it?  Consoled my self with a donut.  I promise myself that I will start that daily walk tomorrow, or when I get my new shoes, or when the weather gets better.  I have, for years, told my kids that the best way for them to get through the trials and temptations of youth is to decide now, before you are faced with those temptations, how you will deal with them.  And yet, I have staunchly refused to do that with my health and eating habits.  And now I’m where I am today: twice my healthy size and struggling to overcome that.

But I have one thing now that I didn’t have before.  That is a urgent desire, a burning in my bosom, if you will, to be healthy enough to dance at my kids weddings (whenever that may be).  I want to go old with my wife (who I assure you is much younger than I am ;-)).  I don’t want to miss out on the greatest of all life’s pleasures: seeing my kids grow up and have kids of their own.  I want to bounce great-grandkids on my knee.  I don’t want them to have to wonder who the fat guy in the picture was.

Today’s quote:

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.  ~Fran Lebowitz

And the eat goes on…

Day four:

3 donuts, Kirkland chicken bake, 3 Musketeers bar, 6 Hershey’s kisses, 12 oz. V-8, 1 c. trail mix, McD’s cheeseburger, Wendy’s Chicken club, large fries, 44 oz. Diet Coke.

I find that I am self-censoring when it comes to food.  Meaning not that I am censoring what I put down as having eaten, but thinking, “Do I really want to have to put down that I ate that on my blog?” every time I contemplate eating something.  Now, I usually go through my day with no thought to what I put in my mouth (hence this blog!).  But since starting this (with the notable exception of the Bacos) I have thought about everything that goes in my gob under the scrutiny of do I want to have to report this.  Example: One of my favorite snacks is to take a tortilla, smother it in peanut butter and sprinkle chocolate chips on it (see yesterday’s blog for my feelings on chocolate!).  I love this!  Have I done it since starting this? No.  I don’t want to have to write that down.  Nor the half-batch of cookie dough, or the Ben & Jerry’s, or …  You get my meaning. 

Now I look at what I’m eating, what is on these lists, and I see a trend, at least for the three days I’ve reported.  (Can it be a trend in only three days?)  My intake has decreased.  Calories may be another story altogether. But I’m not eating as much as I normally would.  I often go to Maverick in the mornings.  They have these Breakfast Bundles that I just love: ham, bacon or sausage, a scrambled egg and cheese all enclosed in buttery roll. I LOVE these things.  It is breakfast heaven!  Now, when I get one of these, they will usually have some deal going on where you can get 2 large candy bars for $2, or some such.  I will usually go for the “deal” because I’m fat.  Tuesday was such a day.  4 regular candy bars for $2.  I bought them and brought them back to work.  Normally, I would snarf those things down without a thought aside to not getting chocolate on my sleeves.  But I have not  yet eaten all those candy bars.  And fear and shame are the reasons.

Fear can be a great motivator.  Shame, too, if used in the right way.  Mothers have known this for centuries.  I’m tempted to insert a joke about my mother here, and although she doesn’t yet know about this blog, should she find out and decide to read my past posts, it could be mean trouble.  Suffice it to say, I, too, am acquainted with the motivating power of shame and guilt.  And I hope that it keeps working for me.  Not a lot of shame and guilt, nor a lot of fear, but just enough to keep me honest and working toward the right path of a leaner, meaner, more fight-ready me.  Although I will probably never be the cover of Old Guys with Abs magazine, if such a thing exists.  Hey,… that give me an idea…

Today’s quote:

I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!  ~Author Unknown

How do I love thee? Let me count my chins…

Day three, and the food list continues:

Maverick Breakfast bundle, hash browns, 44 oz. Diet Coke, Kirkland Chicken Bake, Take 5 candy bar, Twix PB, 12 mint truffle Hershey’s Kisses, 12 oz. V-8, 1 c. trail mix, 1 banana with peanut butter, Beef w/broccoli, Lemon Chicken, Ham fried rice and a spring roll.

Chocolate, as you can tell, is a big thing for me.  I love it in just about every form except white chocolate.  Not a big fan of white chocolate.  Mostly because it’s not really chocolate. But milk chocolate, dark chocolate, chocolate cover peanuts, almonds, cashews, macadamia nuts,…  Basically, cover it in chocolate and you can just about guarantee I’ll eat it! I try to tell myself that dark chocolate is better for me because of all the antioxidants. But, I know that is just a justification. Moderation in all things is what we are counseled.  Well, moderation is great until you hit that lull in the afternoon.  You’re starting to droop a little, your lunch is settling in you gut, and everything is just kind of laid back.  You think, “I’ll just have some candy.  It’ll give me a boost, and I’ll be great.” Fifteen minutes later, as you dig yourself out of the mound of candy wrappers, you think, “How did this happen?” and that whole moderation thing seems like a faded memory.

A very wonderful cousin of mine gave me some advice when I started this.  When you feel those cravings, ask yourself what you really want.  Why are you reaching for the ho-ho’s? Why is your hand digging into the Cheez-its? Are you really hungry?  Lots of times hunger is a cover for stress, anger, thirst, etc.  What are you really trying to “feed” with the binge?  It’s a method used with alcoholics.  And frankly, what am I but a binge-aholic.  I hate the term addicted to food.  People are addicted to things they don’t need.  Last time I checked, food was required to keep me from dying.  What I am addicted to is binging. Like the old Lays ads, I can’t eat just one.

Now the fact that I’ve stayed the same weight for several years says something about my ability to regulate, to some extent, my binges.  I don’t fluctuate more than a few pounds either way.  When I was on my mission I was eating much more than I do now, and lots of fried foods, tons of bread, pasta, cookies, etc.  The big difference was that I walked EVERYWHERE!  And I walked all day long.  Now my lifestyle is the polar opposite.  I walk as much now, as I used to sit on my mission.  As a result, I am twice the man I used to be.  And then some!  My biggest obstacle now is that I am so out of shape that I can’t walk for any great length of time.  I huff and puff and drip with sweat, and feel like my lungs will cave in.  I get out of breath going up and down the stairs.  I feel fairly confident that if I would just start moving, I would see weight drop off me.  Add to that a new diet of portion control, and I can’t help but see results.  But complacency is the hobgoblin of fat minds.  I realized not too long ago that I use my kids as remote controls.  “Get me a glass of water, please.”  “Hand me my shoes.”  “Get me the remote.”  I wouldn’t get up if there was a kid in ear shot.  I am slowly getting over that and making myself move around.  My biggest fear is that I will end up like Ruby or one of the bariatric patients on the Discovery Channel.

Now for today’s quote:

“Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.  ~Author Unknown”

Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are. ~Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

So here we are at Day Two.  To start, as I said I would, a list of what I ate yesterday (in no particular order):

2-6 oz. Blueberry Yoplait yogurts, 1 slice Carrot Cake, 2 chicken roll-ups, 1 c. cottage cheese, 7 mint truffle Hershey’s Kisses, 1/3 c. Bacos, 12 oz. V-8, 1 medium slice cheese pizza, 1 medium slice sausage pizza, 44 oz. Diet Coke, 1 Wendy’s Chicken Club sandwich, and a large fries.

Kinda scary when you stop and look at it.  I promised myself I would be painfully truthful in these posts.  You will notice the 1/3 c. of Bacos.  I love Bacos.  I love bacon, but Bacos are like culinary landmines. They are a kind of soy protein flavored with smoke and artificial bacon flavor.  They contain no meat or animal fats.  They leave a odd taste in your mouth, and every once in a while I get the most unbearable craving to snack on them.  I very seldom have them around for this very reason.  I found them in the back of my desk drawer from some time a few months ago when I got them to have with baked potatoes.  No baked potato is complete without them, in my opinion. But they should not be snacked on.  It’s a very scary thing!

I have received many lovely comments from dear friends since I started this blog only yesterday, and for that I am very thankful.  I am pleased that you all are so supportive.  One comment I got, though, said I should have named the blog differently. It should have more humor and more fun.  I want to assure you all that I intend to be as light and funny as I can in these posts.  I hope that my own good humor comes through in these posts, but I stand by the title “Hey, Fatso…!”  I am fond of saying that I know that I am fat.  I don’t need people to tell me this.  But for many years, ever since I started to get fat, I have had this inner image of myself that differs quite a bit from the reality of my physical being.  In my mind, I’m fat, but not as fat as I really am.  It was always a shock to catch sight of myself in a full-length (or my case full-width) mirror.  Walking down the street, I would look over at a store window and wonder who that fat old guy was.  For years, I have not had a full-length mirror in my home.  I have not had pictures taken that included anything below my shoulders.  I lived in a world in which I was fat, but not obese. It’s time I changed that.

In the last little while, doing more shows, and especially the shows with Hunt Mysteries, I have had my picture taken a lot!  I have had publicity with my larger than life body in full display.  This has not be so comfortable for me, but it has forced me to adopt a new image of myself. One that conforms to a more correct view; a view of myself as the world sees me.  I can’t look at a picture of myself and say, “Oh, I don’t look so big.”  I have to say, in the words of Edna Mode in The Incredibles, “My g**, you’ve gotten fat!”  And so, that is why the title, that is why the honesty, that is why I need the accountability to all of you.  I have lied about my attempts to lose weight for too long.  I set goals that are unrealistic, and doom myself to fail, then console myself in Ben and Jerry’s.  But, see, now I can’t do that.  I have to set attainable goals, and report back on my success or failure. Then regroup and move forward to better and better life choices.

Please keep the comments coming.  I made sure that I don’t have to approve all comments on this blog, so it should be easier to make comments here from now on.  Thanks for all your encouragement and hopefully you won’t all get too bored with me!  I’ll try to close each blog with an interesting quote about food.  So, here goes:

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”  ~Doug Larson

It’s a whole new day….

So, it’s a whole new change to this long stagnant blog. And a bit of a story as to why…

Over the weekend I found out that my niece, who graduates from college this month, is getting an award from the faculty of the Nutrition program as Best Nutrition Minor. Very cool!! But while talking to my mother about this, it came up that the reason she decided to minor in Nutrition was to learn all she could about it to help me lose weight.

Now, as you can see, I am not a small person. My current weight is around 440 lbs. It hasn’t always been that way. I was a very active child and young adult. When I served my mission in Argentina, I came home weighing 165 lbs. All this on a 6’4” frame. As an example, here is one of those photos that you hate to have around, but will show that I wasn’t always such a hog!

This also furthers the rumor that I was the subject of Napoleon Dynamite!

Well, since finding out this news, I can’t just sit idly by and watch myself expand endlessly. My weight has been constant for some years now. I fluctuate a bit, but I’m not getting larger or smaller by any great amount. I have been performing with the Utah Opera Chorus for many years, and have recently started performing with Hunt Mystery Dinner Theater. The people I perform with are wonderful, caring people, and I love being around them. But my weight is getting to be a bit of a problem. I have to have special measures taken to accommodate for me. When doing the Hunt shows, we are mingling with guests before and after dinner, and, not to be gross, but I sweat. A lot! I have 3-4 handkerchiefs to mop my brow during the show. It’s not pleasant and it’s not a secret, either. Also at the last show we did, a (I’m sure) very caring audience member (who shall remain nameless, although I could blab his name around, I have his business card!) struck up a conversation with me after the show asking about the shows, how often we perform, etc. Then he very casually passed me his card and said, “I coach people in losing weight. Give me a call!” To say that I was taken aback is an understatement. To say that I wanted to flatten the guy (and let’s be serious, I could have done that by falling on him!) would be a gross understatement. I wanted to leave nothing but an oily stain on the carpet after I got through with him. But instead, I smiled and said something like, “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

Now all this rambling brings me back to the point of this post. I decided that if I’m ever going to get serious about losing weight, I need to create some kind of accountability for what I am doing and especially what I am eating. So, in the twisted back of my mind, I decided the easiest and quickest way to do that is to change my long neglected blog into my fat journal. In the coming days, weeks and months, I will post my eating habits, exercise and thoughts on all things heavy. Hopefully, by doing this, I will become accountable for all the mistakes and selfish habits that have gotten me to this point, and can change them to make a thinner, healthier me for my wonderful and long-suffering wife, and also be a better dad to my fabulous children. And if it helps anyone else to see that it is possible without surgery (because I do not want to go under the knife to lose weight, nor do I think that in my current condition it would be wise to be under general anesthesia) then it will all be worth whatever humiliation I may suffer in so public a forum.

Well, there you have it! Come along for the ride, or don’t. Your choice. But I will be adding to the total dreck pushed out on the internet in my own twisted way. Join me won’t you? (Why, are you coming apart?)