Take that, you dumb old bird!

It’s been very interesting lately.  I’ve been reviewing my life, especially the last several months, and I’ve had some real moments of clarity.  And just in the last few days.  Today especially.  I got to work and was feeling really crappy.  I’ve had back problems this week and I’ve been tired and not sleeping well.  I’ve had weird mood swings that seem to come on at the drop of a hat.  Totally weird stuff.  I think I’ve discussed this in previous posts, but I have been a long time sufferer of depression.  At one point I almost lost my family to it.  I was so caught up in the depression and how awful my life was that I was really shitty to everyone around me.  Thankfully, my wife got me the help I needed to come back from the brink at that time, but it’s been a constant struggle even to this day.  I was on meds for a while (Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc.) but haven’t been for sometime.  I’ve never been able to find a med that would leave me happy and feeling normal mood swings. It all just sort of left me neutral.  And for a creative personality to feel neutral is a very scary thing.

So over the last few months, especially while doing The Tempest, I have been antsy, anxious, and very irritable (just ask my wife!), and it wasn’t until today that it really hit me:  I’ve been sinking back into that old depression again.  I’ve been focusing more on my needs and wants and less on the people around me.  I even got to the point during the run, (and I wrote about this) where I was upset over the fact that no one was making a big fuss over me in the show!  How egotistical and stupid was that?!?  And then today I happened across a podcast that I am going to work my way through, called The Mental Illness Happy Hour by Paul Gilmartin.  He is a comic, writer, and author who had his own show on TBS for awhile. As he puts it on his website, “Paul was thrilled to be diagnosed with clinical depression in 1999 because it meant he wasn’t just an asshole.”  Anyway, the podcast that I listened to today was with Frank Coniff of MST3K fame.  Some really insightful things was said.  “The ego is the enemy of the soul,” and “If I feel pity or self-righteous anger, that’s the ego talking.  It’s either poor me, or f**k you!”  And that hit me.

I am able most of the time to put a happy face on what I am doing.  At least I think I do.  I try to gloss over the inner torment and demons that seem to plague my every decision and cast doubt on every achievement.  It may sound clichéd to say it, but depression is like wearing a vulture on your shoulder.  One of those big Bugs Bunny cartoon vultures with the really evil eyes.  And every decision you make, every success you have, each small triumph you achieve is being judged by those evil eyes and that vulture is judging everything you do and telling you that you’re coming up short.  Plus he’s a big heavy son of a bitch and it takes that much more energy just to cart his feathery ass around!  Well, today I started plucking the big old tail feathers out of that vulture.  And I mean to keep on plucking until that sucker is nothing but an overgrown capon and throw his scrawny hide into the fire!  I’m stating here and now that I am not going to be governed by that vulture on my shoulder.  I’m not going to be so concerned with my own worries and fears and I’m going to start working to take the burden off others and help them out.  The real joy of life is in being connected to others.  Sharing in their joys and successes and comforting them when they have their vulture perching on their shoulders.  I know that I have a ever widening circle of friends.  I know that I have a support system in all of you that is unequalled.  And I know that everyday I can do a little more to get out of the depression I let myself wallow in from time to time.  I won’t get mired in my own self-pity.  And if you see me stuck in the goo, give my vulture a swift kick in the ass, please!

Quote of the day:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein”

Very nice. Next!

Being a reviewer for Utah Theater Bloggers this past year has put my thinking much more in the way of theater and those things that I would like to accomplish before I shuffle off this mortal coil.  Some I realize will never be.  I’m simply too old.  Some will not happen unless I dramatically alter my weight (something, you, dear reader, should know I am trying to do).  And some I simply hope to see in live performance, but know I’ll never get to perform.  So here goes:

Roles I know I’ll never play, but wish I could:

King Arthur – Camelot; Hamlet; Benedick – Much Ado About Nothing; Any role in “The Compleat Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged); Javert or Thenardier – Les Miserables; Bobby – Crazy for You; Fancourt Babberly – Charley’s Aunt; Charley Wykeham – Where’s Charley?; Any of the brothers – The Andrews Brothers; Bobby – Company; William Barfee – 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

Roles I hope to play, some after I lose weight:

Sylvia Saint Croix – Ruthless! the Musical; Wotan, et. al. – Das Barbecu; Cervantes/Quixote – Man of La Mancha; Edna Turnblad – Hairspray; King Arthur – Spamalot; Aldolpho – Drowsy Chaperone; Thurston Wheelis, et. al. – Greater Tuna; Maj. Gen. Stanley – Pirates of Penzance; Harold Hill – The Music Man; The King – The King and I; Any of the Nuns – Nunsense, A-Men!; Stage Manager – Our Town; Tevye – Fiddler on the Roof; Fred/Petruchio – Kiss Me, Kate; Devil – Damn Yankees; Carol Todd – Victor/Victoria; Saunders or Tito Mirelli – Lend Me a Tenor; Leo or Jack – Leading Ladies; Richard II; King Lear; Iago

Shows I hope to see live someday:

The Andrews Brothers; Lend Me A Tenor; Lady in the Dark; Cyrano; Das Barbecu

There are others, but as you can see, I haven’t given up hope.  And if any of you know of any companies doing these shows, let me know and let them know that I’d be perfect for these roles.  I’m counting on you all!

Now, where did I put my exercise clothes…?

Quote for the Day:

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” - Cynthia Heimel

Tempest Musings

“The Tempest” closed on Saturday, and now I’m starting the long recovery process.  Ending the run of a show is like suffering a loss.  Especially when we had such a fantastic closing night.  We had houses of about 20 or so through most of the run.  Closing night we had 78 in the audience.  And they really got the show.  They laughed in all the right places, and really got into the energy of the show.  I am of the belief that no matter how big or small the audience the performance you give is the same.  But it was interesting what a big difference a large responsive audience makes in a performance.  Regardless of that fact, this was one of the best shows I’ve ever been in, and I will miss it terribly. 

Playing Prospero was a really great experience and very rewarding.  But what I will miss most are the actors that I worked with. 

JJ Peeler, the phenomenal actress that played Miranda, was an absolute joy to work with.  She was always right on, consistent and always wonderful.

Bijan Hosseini was a fantastic Caliban.  Always focused and very deep into his character.  He even changed my mind about the character of Caliban.  I used to think if him as a pure villain, but, while he is not blameless, he is not the villain I thought he was.  Bijan’s wonderful performance of the “music of the isle” speech was beautiful. 

I will miss all the actors that from the show, but most of all the amazing JayC Stoddard.  It was a joy throughout the rehearsal process and performances to watch him work.  He is an amazing actor with an uncommon ability to convey emotion and intensity.  One moment that I only discovered about half-way through the run was sitting off stage and watching him during a scene in our second act where Ariel, unseen,  is taunting the drunkards.  Watching him through that scene was incredible.  I have the highest respect for him and hope that sometime very soon I can work with him again.  Not to sound weird or anything, but there was an instant friendship that formed there and I hope to maintain that friendship for a very long time to come.

Now it is back to much more familiar territory with “Iolanthe” and “Trial by Jury/Suor Angelica” and then on to “Fidelio.”  Music I am much more at home with than acting, as I’ve said.  But I am so grateful for what I learned not only about myself, but from the experience of doing Shakespeare.  I certainly hope, and am somewhat confident that it will not be my last.  The other hope I have is that something will miraculously occur to help keep Around the Globe afloat.  This little theater company is facing ruin (if it hasn’t already occurred) and that would be a real shame.  They have produced thoughtful drama for several years and been a great addition to the theater scene in Salt Lake.  Hopefully someone will see that and be able to offer the financial assistance and support that this great company needs.  My love and friendship goes out to all my cast members from Tempest, the crew and staff. I love you all and already miss you terribly.  That is the worst part of doing theater.  Eventually the lights get turned off, the stage is cleared, the costumes are packed away and the friends that you have made that seem so much a part of your life are no longer there.  If I wasn’t such a theater whore, I would have to stop this because each ending hurts so much.  This show especially.  I only wish more people had seen it and been able to participate in one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I normally end my posts with some witty quote about on thing or another, but this time I leave you with something from The Tempest.

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

As I foretold you, were all spirits, and

Are melted into air, into thin air;

And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,

The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,

The solemn temples, the great globe itself,

Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,

And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,

Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff

As dreams are made on; and our little life

Is rounded with a sleep.”