It’s been very interesting lately. I’ve been reviewing my life, especially the last several months, and I’ve had some real moments of clarity. And just in the last few days. Today especially. I got to work and was feeling really crappy. I’ve had back problems this week and I’ve been tired and not sleeping well. I’ve had weird mood swings that seem to come on at the drop of a hat. Totally weird stuff. I think I’ve discussed this in previous posts, but I have been a long time sufferer of depression. At one point I almost lost my family to it. I was so caught up in the depression and how awful my life was that I was really shitty to everyone around me. Thankfully, my wife got me the help I needed to come back from the brink at that time, but it’s been a constant struggle even to this day. I was on meds for a while (Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc.) but haven’t been for sometime. I’ve never been able to find a med that would leave me happy and feeling normal mood swings. It all just sort of left me neutral. And for a creative personality to feel neutral is a very scary thing.
So over the last few months, especially while doing The Tempest, I have been antsy, anxious, and very irritable (just ask my wife!), and it wasn’t until today that it really hit me: I’ve been sinking back into that old depression again. I’ve been focusing more on my needs and wants and less on the people around me. I even got to the point during the run, (and I wrote about this) where I was upset over the fact that no one was making a big fuss over me in the show! How egotistical and stupid was that?!? And then today I happened across a podcast that I am going to work my way through, called The Mental Illness Happy Hour by Paul Gilmartin. He is a comic, writer, and author who had his own show on TBS for awhile. As he puts it on his website, “Paul was thrilled to be diagnosed with clinical depression in 1999 because it meant he wasn’t just an asshole.” Anyway, the podcast that I listened to today was with Frank Coniff of MST3K fame. Some really insightful things was said. “The ego is the enemy of the soul,” and “If I feel pity or self-righteous anger, that’s the ego talking. It’s either poor me, or f**k you!” And that hit me.
I am able most of the time to put a happy face on what I am doing. At least I think I do. I try to gloss over the inner torment and demons that seem to plague my every decision and cast doubt on every achievement. It may sound clichéd to say it, but depression is like wearing a vulture on your shoulder. One of those big Bugs Bunny cartoon vultures with the really evil eyes. And every decision you make, every success you have, each small triumph you achieve is being judged by those evil eyes and that vulture is judging everything you do and telling you that you’re coming up short. Plus he’s a big heavy son of a bitch and it takes that much more energy just to cart his feathery ass around! Well, today I started plucking the big old tail feathers out of that vulture. And I mean to keep on plucking until that sucker is nothing but an overgrown capon and throw his scrawny hide into the fire! I’m stating here and now that I am not going to be governed by that vulture on my shoulder. I’m not going to be so concerned with my own worries and fears and I’m going to start working to take the burden off others and help them out. The real joy of life is in being connected to others. Sharing in their joys and successes and comforting them when they have their vulture perching on their shoulders. I know that I have a ever widening circle of friends. I know that I have a support system in all of you that is unequalled. And I know that everyday I can do a little more to get out of the depression I let myself wallow in from time to time. I won’t get mired in my own self-pity. And if you see me stuck in the goo, give my vulture a swift kick in the ass, please!
Quote of the day:
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein”
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