Yesterday’s list: One bowl of honey nut Cheerios, one Yoplait low fat strawberry yogurt, four slices Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza, three pieces LC Italian cheese bread, Wendy’s Chicken Club sandwich, large fries, large diet coke, and 1/2 med. frosty.
It’s been a frantic couple of weeks. My daughter graduated high school, so I am now officially old.I am in the final days of rehearsal for a new show with Hunt Mysteries, and I feel like my life is unraveling very quickly. I know that things are happening the way they are because I have buried my head in the sand. I finally got some decent walking shoes, but have not yet made any time to use them. I can make all the excuses I want, but I just haven’t put this as a priority in my life that makes it important enough to do things about it. I can make as many excuses as I want, but it just all sounds so phony to me. I haven’t posted on this blog because I haven’t wanted to post the same stuff over and over again. Even I get tired of hearing the same crap from me. I go to rehearsals and I see these wonderful people whom I love being around, and think why is it that I have let myself get to the point that I am at. They are all active, vibrant people, and I’m this stodgy old fogey. It amazes me that they even tolerate me. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great time with them all. I relish the fun that we have doing our little theater shtick. But at the same time, I guess there’s a part of me that can’t believe that people really enjoy the time they spend with me. This, I guess, is the great contradiction of the performer: Unending ego to get up and perform, but the crushing insecurity that it’s all put on, and if anyone knew the real you, they’d never speak to you again.
That fear has been a real struggle to keeping this blog real. I try to be as honest and open as I can on here. My wife has learned to deal with my manic moods: the wild egotism and the desperate insecurity. She know that after every performance she will have to endure the 20 minutes of me seeking her confirmation that I really was good. During a performance, I act very calm and suave and collected. Once it is over, though, and I’m away from my fellow actors and the audience, I need the confirmation that what I did was ok. I hate that part of me, but it’s what it is. And I guess that’s part of what this is: a cry for acceptance, a plea for approval. I have to say, as I have before, I find it amazing that anyone will read this crap. Why am I so interesting? But I’m glad you do, and I love your comments, favorable or not. It’s what keeps me real and honest.
Today’s quote:
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” ~Jim Davis
3 comments:
I would try and start believing in yourself and loving you for who you are now! And do it a little bit at a time. The little things are the basis and important! You can't eat an elephant in one bite! Or however that goes. Maybe just put on your shoes and walk one block. You won't want to quit after that. Or you might decide okay the next night I will walk 2 blocks. That doesn't take much time at all! May the schwartz be with you! Keep trucking.
old fogey, my BUTT. head up, mister. you're awesome, and everyone LURVES hanging around you. end of story.
btw, did you get my email? some helpful things, i tell you. very helpful. the book, especially, in trying to figure out how our brains are wired. i tell you, it'll feel like you're reading a book about yourself. eerily so.
miss you, tone tone!
Anthony,
Thank you so much for the honesty you put in your blog. I follow your story because it is much like my own. I have no answers for you only encouragement. If we can learn to live life as full as we do in moments like you being on stage, then I think the rest falls into place. Its hard to keep it up in front of those we love the most. They, unfortunately, get the real insecure deal. One step, one moment at a time!!! I'm here with you. (By the way, if you need some help getting started on the walking maybe we could help each other.)
Trudi
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